Friends or Foes?

I’ve been friends with this particular person for four years. We met in Barber School. He is absolutely the most awesome human being! He is like the older brother I’ve never had! Our love is so pure and I love it! My mom has emotionally adopted him as her son. So funny lol So today my mom asked me if I was going to work tomorrow (Sunday) and I told her yes because I have Eyelash appointments and she said, “homeboy says you make lash appointments on Sundays on purpose so you won’t cut hair” you know… that took me by surprise.. I could’ve never imagine him saying anything like that and when she told me that, I was thinking about my motives for scheduling on Sundays and I came to the realization that his opinion wasn’t the truth. I asked my sister, “do you really think homeboy would say that? I don’t think so.. maybe it’s just mom fucking with me” and my sister said, “i dont think mom’s lying. When I came back from spain, he complained to me about you that you weren’t coming in on sundays.” FIRST OFF: I asked for a Sunday off, the next Sunday I was so hungover that I woke up at 8pm that sunday. the next Sunday my mom asked me not to go because she was going to have her friend help her out at the barber shop. 

Look, I texted him and apologized for those Sundays and explained to him what was happening and he seemed pretty understanding.. but now I’m just speechless because he said what he truly felt. I’m upset because I’d rather him tell me than my mom or sister. If someone has a problem with him, I’d rather them TELL ME and not anyone else. 

I don’t know.. all I know is that it really hurt knowing how he really felt through other people.. it broke me.. I got home and I was bawling my eyes out.. my mom came in and asked what was wrong and I told her I didn’t want to talk about it and she held me tight and said, “baby, you can hold those hurt feelings in your heart. Your heart is made to love and to be happy. You need to release the negative. It’s not good to bottle up your feelings.” I told her, “how could he think that? if he doesn’t like something, why doesn’t he tell ME?! He has a GOOD JOB because of ME. He’s living in a nice home because of ME and this is how he thanks me?! I guess it’s true.. there’s no real friends in this world” 

I can remember my mom’s words after that.. it’s such a blur even though it happened a couple of hours ago.. I was very distraught.. 

I think the reason I was really distraught was because my close friend has been ignoring me and my close cousin doesn’t seem to want to be around me.. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this but I’ll just keep my distance.. I’m tired of reaching out to people who don’t even try.. I’m so over it. It sucks because these people are the closest to me and they listen to all my nagging but I guess I’m back on here.. I’m going to nag to yall.. good luck.. 

I just feel so heart broken.. I feel like I’m being such a butt but I guess that’s the way I’m protecting myself.. people suck. 

Unappreciated

I feel so unappreciated. I do more than enough and I am called lazy, and other words that aren’t even true. I do not live the life of a 20 year old. I live a life of a mother. Honestly, I’m so tired of it. It’s a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I get to enjoy my brother and sister and get to experience so much with them. It is teaching me how to be a great mother when I have my own. It is teaching me to wait on children and to live my life. A curse because I don’t have time to be myself.. because I don’t have time for mistakes.. because I don’t have time to be stupid.. because I don’t have time to have fun.
I just want to run away.
I just want to go somewhere far and forget everyone. I’m so done with this responsibility that was put on me. It’s not fair. I don’t have time for school and school is something I’m yerning for.
I’m so done with this broken family. I just want to cut them out for a while. I just need time for myself. I just need to get my life together.

Confirmation

So…. the allegation before was never actually confirmed by him. A few days later, I asked him if he was seeing someone and he was honest about it and said that he was. The thing that bothered me at first was that he didn’t even bother to tell me. He didn’t have the courtesy to say, “hey you know what, don’t call me boo, don’t flirt with me, nothing.. because I’m in a serious relationship and I am happy.” Now, why couldn’t he say that? Why did I have to ask him. I practically made him tell… but then again.. I sound selfish. Why should he tell me anything? I’m no one, apparently.
See, I’m just being a girl! I h8 being a girl. Why do us girls have to think too deep into situations. Well, let me not categorize girls… why do I have to think too deeply into this?
Anyways, then I started thinking… well, might as well go to the gym with him! I don’t have to impress him anymore. Here’s the thing though, I could of done that from the beginning! NOW I want to do everything with him.. when it’s too late!
And you know what sucks? What sucks the most about this whole situation is that I was ready to give him my all. This saturday, my sister is having this big Halloween party and I was planning on inviting him, getting a little drunk, have a good time with him and let loose because I believe I’m uptight. But this girlfriend thing happened.. and that’s why I felt so damn stupid. I took too long to stop caring about being insecure.
I told him I was planning on inviting him but wasn’t sure if it was appropriate anymore.. but I still gave him the address. I told him I was gonna let him be the judge of that. He kept saying, “I hope I go” like what? He’s just confusing my feelings. He’s with her but hopes to attend the party.. ??
Two days ago, I found myself thinking about him. Thinking that I should text him and tell him to hell with him deciding! I wanted him to go and he should go! I thought about everything I wanted to tell him. Everything. I had the perfect things to say to compell him to be with me… but then I thought about my morals.. and I thought about her. She has never disrespected me. So why should I disrespect her and her relationship? I’m better than that. I believe I am a good person. So I will not text him. I will not beg him. For the sake of my morals and for her. For nothing but respect to the both of them.. because as much as I want to hate him, he has done nothing but be the best to me. He has helped me through hardships.. he has seen me shine.. he has seen every side that anyone could ever see.. so I will respect him as well.
You know… it feels like I’ve lost someone.. it feels like I’ve lost a part of me.. but, in reality,  I have lost nothing but a texting buddy… There’s so many ways to look at this situation.. which way will I look at it from?

Heartbreak

I feel like an idiot!
I can’t believe it!!!
I feel so stupid!
I’ve been into this guy for 6 years! I was into him throughout my high-school years and he was into me but kept his distance because he was already considered an adult. I understood to a certain degree but that never changed my feelings. I was always down to hang but he wasn’t because of the legal stuff. As soon as I turned 18, he was down but I wasnt. The reason I wasn’t was because of my weight. I let him know that THAT was my issue. He understood but didn’t care about that. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED that he didn’t care but the problem was that I cared.
Our relationship was always playfull and we knew everything about eachother. I just never ever agreed to hang. I would always say, “soon ☺” and that soon has never came.
Anyways, I was just on fb and I saw him post a status and went to his page. I noticed he kept tagging a girl that I know (my same age, same classes, same everything) and I was like, “how do they know eachother? Wait.. don’t tell me they’re talking!!” And guess fucking what… they’re talking!!! I h8 my life. This is all my fault! Because of my fucking insecurities. The funny thing is that I was just talking about him to my friend.. telling her that I didn’t know where our relationship was at. We never dated but it was pretty obvious we had a thing. But in all, it’s my fault.. I drifted away and expected him to wait for me.. I guess I’m learning the hard way… no one will wait… this is heartbreaking… but I’ll use this as motivation to get sexy as hell.

Trust vs. Trust

You know… my mom has always said, “there’s no friends.” She’s partially right. There’s no anything. You can’t trust anyone with anything because they’ll eventually use it against you.
Why would I spill my heart out for someone that isn’t going to appreciate the fact that I trust them enough to put my spilling heart in their bucket? Instead of spraying it on my face?
Lol I don’t know what I did there but yall know what I mean!
I guess I’ve known this for a while because I usually just write down what I am feeling… like right now.
I’m not going to say that I keep everything to myself and don’t give my friends insight to my life. Yes, I tell them some things that outsiders don’t know but I don’t get into depth about the situations. I think that time will reveal the depth to it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… be careful with what you say to people. You never know who’s your “friend” out of spite.

Joe

It’s been a month since I’ve lost my friend Joe. He was celebrating his 21st birthday at home with family and friends and was shooting a gun. His family took away the gun from him and when he retrieved it, he accidentally shot himself.. he was under the influence of alcohol.
I met Joe at barber school. He was my first friend. He encouraged me to start cutting hair right away. Actually, my second day of barber school. When I started school, I wasn’t really excited to start cutting hair.. I felt like my mom just pushed me into it.. I didn’t really have the motivation.. but Joe shared his love of cutting hair with me. After that, I was excited to go to school evedyday. I would go from open to close because of him. Joe never left my side. When I needed help on a haircut, he was right there to assist me.
Joe had a crush on me so that explains why he helped me a lot. He also was such a gentlemen. He showed me so much respect. Opened the door for me, payed for me, etc. I never asked him to do any of those things for me.. ever. He made me feel beautiful. He always complimented me even when I felt terrible. It was weird for me to have someone compliment me and treat me with such respect. I would show uncomfort and he would tell me, “accept my compliment”.. Joe madd me accept and embrace myself. He truly gave me a great gift. Acceptance.
Unfortunately I only spent a month with him everyday for about 10hrs or so because he was already graduating when I started school. But in that little time, he became a big part of my life. I would go home and talk about him all the time to my mom. She loved him for giving me the motivation I was lacking.
But anyways, Joe graduated and would occasionally visit. On one occasion, he asked if he ever had a chance.. I was uncomfortable to tell him because he had a girlfriend and I didn’t want to jeopardize anything. Our friendship and his relationship. I gave him nothing but a smile. I will admit that I was jealous when he started dating his girlfriend because I knew his attention wasn’t on me anymore.. but I knew in my heart that he would be happier with her.
In all, I loved him no more than a friend. He was truly a great person.
I think about him every day. It’s done so unconsciously.. I guess that’s what happens when you lose someone.
I find myself talking to him here and there.. I guess it’s a way to feel better.. or not letting go. I really don’t know. I just really miss him.
He had so many dreams.. so many accomplishments ahead of him.. and now I feel that I should pick up where he left off. It was apart of my future plans to do what he wanted anyway.. it’s not like I’m giving up what I wanted.. I just want to do something in his memory. I don’t want anyone to forget him and who he was.. and what he wanted.

Ready & Tired.

So there’s talk of leaving the state.. at first, I was extremely shocked with the idea. I didn’t like what i was hearing but the move is very beneficial. Believe me when I say that it took me 2 days to get used to the idea. It only took 2 days to set my heart on leaving. I catch myself day dreaming about the idea. I have several dreams of leaving. I AM READY. Everyday I give myself a reason why i shouldn’t stay here. What do i have to lose? Absolutely nothing. I’m not attached to any friends, my family doesn’t even look for me, im clearly not important to anyone here… and the ones who I am imporant to are moving as well. So im all for it. I just want to leave already. The ONLY thing that saddens me is leaving behind someone that’s a BIG part of my life.. but like I said, this move is beneficial. It will better our living.. my sister’s future, my future, everyone’s future. I am sooooo ready!!! I want a fresh start. I want to show everyone here that i can live a better life than them. Yeah, I wanna show off. And what? They think they have it good? Oh, I’ll show them what’s GOOD. Man, forget everyone. Whatever. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone.
I’m so into my feelings right now.. can we just leave this world behind us already? Im tired of being scared all the time. Im tired of being the bigger person. Im tired of babysitting everyone. Im just tired.

Alienated

I don’t understand why I am always the one who is left out. Do I not matter? Am I not THAT important enough for people? What have I done that has made them feel that way? I’m a very strong opinionated person but I’ve learned to cope with it and I usually keep my opinions to myself. I just let things slide by and people be happy the way they want to be. BUT if they ask for my honest opinion, I will share. You know what? I’m making this too much of a deal.  I’m not too opinionated, I just make myself not care because it’s not my business anyways.
ANYWAYS, I don’t understand why my dad’s side of the family hates me (and my sister… and mom.. well, all of us). I’ve been true with my cousins and supported them through everything and still do. So why am I being treated as an outsider? The only one that wants to be with me 24/7 is jess and I feel the same way with her. We’ve always been close but I’ve noticed that they favor her. They all want to be with her. They all want to go to her house. They all invite her but not me. Honestly, it’s like I don’t exist… for a second, it’s funny but it’s really not. In reality, it’s sad.. but you know what? I will make myself NOT CARE because at the end of the day, the only people that matter are the ones who I love and who love me. I will not stress over people who don’t matter.. people who don’t have any kind of say in my life. People on the outside.

Realization

You know… it’s crazy how we grow up doubting ourselves… well, at least I did.
We grow up thinking, “I’m not pretty enough”
And
“I wish I was popular”
And
“I wish I was skinny”
When in reality you WERE or ARE.
A lot of high school people have been canceling those doubts I’ve carried throughout my teenage years…
It’s crazy how age opens up your eyes… how someone becomes wiser… how your morals change… how age changes completely EVERYTHING. You start changing mentally and maybe even physically. I know I am.

Empty